Yes, you read that right. Listen, we’ve all done this dance before. We’ve read the best weapons lists, gave our thoughts on a game genre ranking, and disagreed with a ‘coolest protagonist’ top ten piece. Now it’s time to get weird with it.
So let’s embrace the obtuse, confusing, and nonsensical. Let’s take an idea that doesn’t really make any sense and run with it. Why read a list of the most boneless gaming characters? Because I’m pretty damn sure you never have before. Let go of your preconceptions of normal and find some humor in something new.
Ivarr The Boneless
Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla
Ivarr is an important entry in this list; he is both the epitome of what I mean and the biggest exception to the rules. He’s literally called “the boneless.” Leaving him out of this list would be a journalistic failing on my part.
And yet, he is the only entry on this list that does, in fact, have bones. A real-world historical figure, Ivarr was a Viking leader who invaded and fought against English forces. In Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, he is depicted as a wild and unstable warrior.
Apparently historians can’t agree on WHY he was called boneless.
Ditto
Pokemon
A cellular mess of a Pokemon, Ditto is known for its ability to almost perfectly imitate anything it sees. But in its default state, it’s nothing more than an amorphous blob of pink goo. Like the noble amoeba, there’s not an ounce of calcium in it.
But this brings up an important question: If you can imitate bones, do you have bones? Ditto can copy pokemon like Marowak. Those are effectively bones, right? I don’t know exactly where to draw the line, so let’s just say this entry only refers to any ditto that have NOT imitated bones at some point in their careers.
Cool Spot
Cool Spot
I don’t know about you, but when I think about how many bones something doesn’t have, the first thing I always think of is Cool Spot, the mascot for the 7-Up soda brand and protagonist of a Sega Mega Drive game of the same name.
Everything you could need to know about him is right in the name. He’s cool and he’s a spot. Notice how the word ‘bone’ doesn’t even come up once in his name. Hell, I’d wager it doesn’t come up once in the entire video game.
Gooigi
Luigi’s Mansion 3
Via Nintendo.com
The classic scaredy cat brother to Nintendo’s flagship character, Mario, Luigi could metaphorically be called boneless. But there remains one more fitting for the description: his gooey clone.
In Luigi’s Mansion 3, Luigi gained a cooperative copy, an emotionless assistant made of green coffee mix and ectoplasm. Dubbed Gooigi, he is a vital asset to flesh Luigi’s success throughout the game.
Ironically, the more boneless Luigi is also the one with no sense of fear.
Inklings
Splatoon
Like a terrible confusion as to the mechanics of a werewolf, the inkling player characters in the Splatoon universe alternate between being kids and being squids. Given their humanoid appearances, even featuring a facsimile of teeth, it’d be easy to assume there are bones in there.
But make no mistake; these gun-toting cephalopeople have no bones. If the fact that they are squids isn’t enough, their ability to literally melt into thin puddles of colorful ink should be.
Kirby
Kirby
I’m going to be frank with you, I don’t have a clue what Kirby is. This pink ball of positive additude and endless appetite defies any sense of medical science on planet Pop Star. But given their super stretchy form and lack of teeth, they seem pretty boneless to me.
I was once told they are the physical manifestation of the god of chaos when combined with the concept of hope. And based on how wild some of the bosses and plotlines in Kirby games are, I’m actually inclined to believe them. But even then, no bones.
Formless Mother
Elden Ring
If FromSoft is good for anything, it’s for developing games with dramatic and grandiose deities beyond mortal understanding. One perfect example is with the Formless Mother, the blood-centric outer god of Elden Ring that Mohg worships.
Despite being the god queen of a dynasty of blood, she’s surprisingly devoid of a biological form. It’s right there in the name, after all. And by lacking a physical form, she is inherently free of bones. And with such established and carefully curated lore as Elden Ring, if she had bones, some random item description somewhere would say so.
Slime
Dragon Quest
A lot of the entries I’ve listed so far have been very boneless entities. But none of them are as powerful a gaming icon as the Dragon Quest slime. Around for decades, this recurring RPG enemy is one of the most iconic monsters in gaming history.
It’s a slime. I don’t need to explain how boneless it is. It’s the fact that it’s both completely boneless and a major icon in gaming history that earns it the final entry to this list.
According to a PAX event in 2019, a panel held by Nintendo confirmed that slimes are not only edible, but taste like limes. Do what you will with that information.