Hmm. On the one hand, a Turbulent Thursday. On the other, a Big Mum. We’ve all had Thursdays we could describe as turbulent, so the owner of the 2014 Nissan Fairlady Z who drives with the Neo Limited crew scores a point for relatability. That said, the large mother of the Family Business gang, who as fate would have it also drives a Fairlady Z, scores points for being straightforwardly funky. Both racers’ names are hilarious to me, but in the list of top ten opponent monikers from Tokyo Xtreme Racer, there simply isn’t room for both of them.
I defeated both these rivals during my quest to become the fastest and most feared nocturnal driver on the Shuto Expressway. Every race in Tokyo Xtreme Racer is pitched as a head-to-head battle on the winding highways that snake above and around the city. Your rivals are all petrolheads in highly modified Japanese rides who’ve become addicted to the rush of trying to out-drag each other in these tense standoffs. They’ve all chosen to go by nicknames instead of using their government names, the things their friends would call them if you ran into them on the street during the daytime. Here, on the moonlit expressway, they’re Batmen with bucket seats and backfiring exhausts. Anonymous auto-enthusiasts arcing about after hours.
Sorry, Turbulent Thursday. When it comes to a name with quirky vibes, Big Mum clinches it. You’ll live, though. You’ve clearly dealt with tough days before. Right, that narrows the list down to a final ten.
10. Big Mum
Everyone’s got one. Not everyone’s might be big, but the driver of this Fairlady Z arguably has to be. After all, Greatest Papa, Innocent Lady, Perfect Darling, Quick Kid, and Godfather fill out the ranks of her Mafia-styled racing gang, Family Business. Her bio says driving with them has reinvigorated what had become a loveless family life for her, and she’s even starting to make “mom friends” out on the expressway. The mean streets of Tokyo need a motherly influence, and I’ve personally felt reassured by the fact that somewhere out there, accelerating through the night, is someone who knows how to live, laugh, and love.
Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun / Genki
9. Gentle Examiner
The person behind the wheel of this 90s Honda Civic is “an extremely kind-hearted man who has loved cute things since his childhood, chief amongst them baby chicks”. He works with these smaller birds as “sexer”, separating the males from females at birth. Funky job. His description continues that he “carries the act out with utmost diligence despite wondering why they have to be separated, something that causes him no small amount of stress”. Ah, so that’s why he’s just slammed into my rear quarter, the man has some feelings he’s working through. At least he’s gentle when looking at avian genitalia.
8. Kawagoe Handsome
This Supra driver’s a tough foe, though that’s not surprising given you’ve got to beat 380 other racers to be able to challenge him at the famous Daikoku parking area. He hangs around with another racer dubbed Yokohama Cutie and he’s a pro racing driver for his day job. Before pulling this list together, I was going to make some jokes here about whether he’s only handsome by the standards of Kawagoe, the Japanese city he draws his name from. Is a Kawagoe 10 a Tokyo 6? Yuk, yuk, yuk. However, upon googling his name, I’ve found two separate sources asserting that he’s based on real life Japanese racing driver Sho Tsuboi, who was born in Kawagoe and races a GT500 Supra in the Super GT series. Shit, I should probably have put him top.
7. Sky-Sailing Night Butterfly
There are some Tokyo Xtreme Racer names that dial the evocative or poetic imagery up to 100. This Mitsubishi Evo driver’s one of them. You see the name, and you immediately think of an artist committing the idea to canvas, brushstrokes doing their best to capture the nocturnal beauty. Naturally, Sky-Sailing Night Butterfly matches this image by being a pharmacist in a bright pink car who suffers from some sort of road rage-based amnesia, allowing her to drive very aggressively and then go back to gently giving out prescriptions.
Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun / Genki
6. Erotica of Love and Illusion
Phwoar. No doubt some mysterious temptress steeped in exotic desires, right? Nope, a middle-aged banker in a Subaru Impreza who shares a team – Akihara Speed Factory – with racers called Dozing Dormouse and Dancing Rabbit. According to his description, back when he was at university, his “self-centered personality received mixed reviews, described as ‘disgusting’ and ‘manly’”, but he’s since “become somewhat more considerate of those around him”. There’s nothing more erotic than a dude becoming less of a bellend over time.
5A. Comedic Disruptor
Right, now number fi-wait, what are you doing here, wanderer in an orange 90s Evo? Ah, I see. Comedic Disruptor. Go on, tell your joke then. No, I don’t know what you call a home appliance shop owner who frequently argues with his wife about not being able to haul fridges around in the boot of his motor. Oh, right. You call him Comedic Disruptor. I should have seen that one coming.
Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun / Genki
5. Invincible Full Course
Is he gone? Thank Christ. I can finally sit down and eat my dinner. Big thanks to the driver of the white Nissan Z with purple underglow neon for inviting me to the French restaurant La Liberté. Oh, he owns the joint, and the rest of the members of his racing crew – The Knife and Forks – are his staff. Apparently they’re “strict about table manners as well as driving manners”, so I’m going to stop slurping this soup quite so loudly. Yes, Mr Full Course, it’s scrumptious. Tell me more about your new car “steadily being tuned in both the chassis and body, offering a full course of not just culinary, but automotive excellence”.
4. Reminiscence of Hippocrates
Ooh, I’m suddenly feeling a bit under the weather. That guy over there in the Nissan GT-R covered in palm trees is a surgeon? Well, it’s a bit different to a doctor, but I suppose I can ask him what he thinks it might be. Hi ther-ok, I can wait while you recite your oath. My stomach’s feeling a bit weird. No, I haven’t heard of the theory of the four humours. I doubt I have too much black bile. You know, I think you should consider picking up a medical textbook that isn’t from Ancient Greece. This also might be why you’re the leader of a team composed entirely of single people looking to find partners out on the expressway.
Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun / Genki
3. Humiliation Contractor
Freelancers are the backbone of many a functioning industry. Skilled craftspeople you can parachute to a problem without offering them pesky benefits or pensions. There’s nothing at all humiliating about that, Humiliation Contractor. Especially if, for example, you’re someone who’s ended up a perma-freelancer against your will because there are barely any decent full-time gigs out there at the present moment. Driving a black Silvia, this plucky contractor used to do part-time work, but he’s now a hospital chef who works shifts. Life just loves slapping him in the face. He tries “suspicious parts” others would avoid, but it rarely pays off. He’s got a “strange habit of being overwhelmingly fast on right turns but slow on left turns”. You are all of us regular Joes just trying to get by, Mr Silvia driver. Keep on swinging and I hope more regular good fortune and well-paid gigs come your way.
2. Whimsical Joan of Arc
I’m not quite sure what makes this lawyer in a Toyota Supra whimsical. Maybe the fact she’s willing to be part of a racing crew with a director who goes by Sonic Napoleon and a rancher who goes by Advancing Genghis Khan. “At first glance, she appears to be a stern elite woman, seemingly unrelated to the racing world, but she has a dual personality,” her description attests. “When her other persona, ‘Eve’, awakens, her racing spirit ignites.” Right, well. If her other persona was called Joan, I might be less confused.
Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun / Genki
1. Gothic the My Lord
I should have known. Despite this Skyline driver’s logo being an anime girl in a maid outfit, they’re a middle-aged computer system engineer who’s into video games. “He believed the mistaken equation he heard at an Akihabara maid cafe that ‘a cool guy equals a cool car’ and bought a BNR34. Eventually, he started to seek ‘speed’ and formed a team. He was once so depressed that he was on the verge of retiring upon discovering that Heretic Canopus, whom he had a crush on, was actually a man, but they surprisingly hit it off and became close friends, discussing their shared interest in cosplay.” When I first saw his name, I exclaimed ‘My Lord, that’s one for the books’. Having read that description, My Lord Tokyo Xtreme devs Genki can write some funny gags about Otakus.
Right, time to end my expressway run for the night. I’ve only scratched the surface of the wonderfully weird names Tokyo Xtreme Racer has to offer, but unfortunately for the likes of Cinderella Past Midnight, Rising Seaman, and Senna’s Feet Ginji, I’ve not got time to battle them in this feature. Rest assured that they’ll all see my taillights eventually, though.